- "If I've told you once, I've told you 100 times. No Mad Men until you're 10, Billy. Now put down the martini shaker and go do a puzzle."
- "Where did you learn to be so materialistic, Ashley Marie? No Gossip Girl for you this week."
- "If I hear one more breath of Yo Gabba Gabba or Blue's Clues, I swear to God I'm burning this place down. You're going to watch Sesame Street, and you're going to frigging LOVE IT."
We spend all this time policing our kids' t.v. line-ups, but once those Nick Jr. sponges are in their beds, we run to the nearest couch and, like moths to a flame, find the absolute worst programming we can this side of Saved By The Bell.
- We need to file our taxes? But there's a Teen Mom marathon on!
- You want more "us" time? Let's just watch Khloe and KLamar have their "them" time.
- That stack of the Hunger Games trilogy has been staring at me for weeks, but I can't go there until I know who the Bachelorette is going to choose to have a terrible 3-month relationship with and dump at the reunion.
You're welcome in advance.
Last night, I watched Dancing with The Stars. Before last night, I am infinitely proud to report that I had watched a sum total of 15-20 minutes of this show. But that was back when my husband was in charge of the remote and I forced him flip to DWTS for an eyeball cleanse during Storage Wars' commercial breaks. So it didn't really even count.
Below is a recitation of my stream-of-consciousness from 8-10PM EST last night, edited down only to cull a Top 25.
1. I need to go to the store and buy better stuff for dessert.
2. Okay, focus. Dancing with The Stars.....First problem: who is the star here? I recognize the names Derek Hough and Maksim Cheremorvskinoodleschmoodledoodle, but they spray-tanned the Caucasian off them. Methinks they're among the dancing set. So that means the other folks are the stars? Wait, does this show consider "stars" to be the images someone saw after they got knocked out in a head-on collision? I'm already confused.
3. Sweet Christ, it's Motown Night. They've got Martha Reeves, Smokey Robinson, and The Temptations wobbling around the stage. Martha clearly needs her Vandellas back, Smokey looks like he took his name literally and got high on something 3 seconds before curtains-up, and The Temptations can't even clap in rhythm. Now I'm seeing stars.
4. They're introducing the couples and someone just said "television icon Melissa Gilbert." Waaaaaahhhhh?? I gotta Google this broad....Oh, she's the chick that was on Little House on the Prairie. Which last aired in 1983. According to IMDb, she was in The Christmas Pageant in 2011. Somehow I missed that.
5. By "television icon," do they mean one plastic surgery short of a Joan Rivers?
6. The cast is lined up on the dance floor getting ready to get their dance on. Awesome that they know how to stand in a line. Why is Derek Hough jogging in place? Did someone tell him this is a track meet?
7. Here goes some dancing. Gladys Knight is an appropriate contestant tonight only because she sang during the Motown era. Her partner's choice to wear big dorky glasses with his costume only has the creepy effect of accentuating their startling age difference and making me feel all the more uncomfortable about his hip-gyrating in the vicinity of Mrs. Knight's midsection.
8. Every time the camera is on someone other than the dancing couple, you can find Maks and Derek doing their damnedest to get more face-time. It's like an animated Where's Waldo. There's Derek peering over the drum set! There's Maks doing bunny ears over Tom Bergeron's head! There's Derek AND Maks pretending they're Smokey's microphone. And Smokey's buying it!
9. Derek, put your shirt on.
10. Derek is now air-punching his way into his start position. His partner is Maria Menounos. I always thought she was cute. But I guess cute can't buy smart. Girlfriend is taking career advice from Mario Lopez. Not a good idea. Just ask Tiffani Amber Thiessen.
11. I wish Derek Hough would have an affair with Fergie so that I can kill two birds with one stone.
12. Now there's some 5th grader named Roshon dancing with some blond. According to the DWTS website, Roshon was in Camp Rock 1 AND 2. Sorry Rosh - my bad! Mad props to you. Did your parents sign the consent form for you to act as a stripper pole for your partner to dirty dance on? Note to self: call ABC's legal department tomorrow re: child endangerment.
13. Classical singer Katherine apparently just slayed her rumba. I wouldn't know. I missed those 3 minutes of glory because my husband caught another skunk. I'm never telling anyone about this. They're going to start wondering when I'm going to marry my cousin.
14. Derek, put your shirt on. And stop doing those goof-ball faces at me. I think you should consider Ritalin.
15. Wow, Brett Favre is a vengeful mo-fo. Donald Driver says one teensy-weensy thing about preferring Aaron Rodgers over I'm-Retired-No-I'm-Not-Yes-I-Am and Favre's all "Hey, D.D., you know what would be so awesome for you to do as payback for dissing me? Learn to cha-cha!"
16. Why is it, every time a couple finishes and trots over to the judges for their comments, that couple smiles and waves like they've just saved Malia and Sasha Obama from a fire?
17. Oh boy, here comes Maks and Melissa. Maks is really working the hot-headed sex-fiend angle, huh? He and Melissa can't keep their hands off each other. Is Janet Jackson watching this? She gets all sorts of guff for Nipple Gate and these two are fondling each other on live tv!
18. I think Maks just got that girl in Row 3 pregnant.
19. Holy shit, did Maks just get ME pregnant?
20. This next guy looks familiar. Those buggy eyes....that stupid smile....oh my God, it's Urkel! He's dancing with the girl who's next up on George Clooney's Random Choices for Girlfriends! When is she going to do a sit spin on a pair of suspenders and put this one in the books?!?
21. ABC didn't get the first three letters of the alphabet for nothing. They know how to keep their crowd around 'til the final over-embellished collar. The last dance of the night goes to William Levy and his partner, Who Cares. This Levy fellow is the one people call the Cuban Brad Pitt. I already have several problems with this. First, if he's Cuban, we know his real name is Guillermo LevLopez de Guadalajara, and he should embrace that. Second, I can't tell if he's good looking because there are too many close-ups on his pecs and he is always wearing the bandanna he stole from Bret Michaels so that it covers much of his face. Does his partner smell?
22. More Where's Waldo: who are the people voting at the end of the show? They are hiding in plain sight. I think they should all be forced to wear red-and-white striped shirts so the rest of us can identify and then avoid them. I should add that to my Presidential Platform list.
23. This show should marry Kathy Griffins' "My Life on The D List" and be called "Dancing on the D List." Actually, better name: Dignity Goes Divebombing.
24. I should have had my daughter watch with me tonight. Today's word of the day was desperation and I couldn't figure out how to use it in a sentence. This little social experiment would have really driven the definition home.
25. Shows like this aren't good for my emotional eating problem. How many cookies did I just eat? And I still feel sad inside! IS IT BECAUSE I AM PREGNANT?!? MAKS!!!!!!!!