One of my least favorite types of celebrities is the type that acts like she is doing the rest of us a favor. Like we owe her a thank-you note or an Edible Arrangement for all the trouble she went to making $5 million to run from Armageddon or suffer from a bout of amnesia or walk around half-naked giving googly eyes to Channing Tatum. It's the biggest pile of malarkey, and it's always a case of the punishment not fitting the crime, as it were.
What the were am I talking about? Well, according to my excel spreadsheet, the starlets that act the most down-trodden by their starletness are the ones who are over-hyped and under-talented. The ones who'd be foaming the skim milk for my decaf latte were it not for some stroke of incredible luck or fortunate breeding. The ones who should be spamming the shit out of a Paperless Post thank-you to every tween on the globe for their under-developed taste and access to their parents' cash.
Sitting at the top of this Pantheon of Pooh is one Kristen Stewart. This girl has irked me from the moment I first saw her pout her lips and shrug her shoulders. The only performance of hers I ever enjoyed was when she was Jodie Foster's daughter in Panic Room, and that's probably only because she spent the entire movie locked in a room in some kind of diabetic trance.
Somehow, her unexceptional ability to look panicked in a room led to more roles. For example, she took a star turn in In The Land of Women, where she just looked panicked about whether she'd get Adam Brody's character to kiss her. The she somehow landed the coveted role of Bella Swan in the Twilight movies. Four movies in which she's just looked panicked in a truck or in the woods or in a church. Somewhere along the way, she found the time to film The Runaways, where she looked panicked about whether Dakota Fanning's Cherie Currie was going to outshine her own Joan Jett. And who could forget Welcome to the Riley's, where she looked panicked about James Galdofini's character trying to lure her away from her life as a young stripper.
Now she's out promoting a blockbuster remake of Snow White, where...imagine this...she's going to be running around more woods looking panicked because maniacal wolves are chasing her and Charlize Theron wants her head.
Conclusion: K-Swiss has amassed world-wide fame and a small fortune for her one-note acting thanks to her lucky break as the Juliet to Robert Pattinson's Romeo, just with more fangs. As you may have surmised, any "range" she shows is book-ended by mild panic and extreme panic. She just amps up the volume of her panic by the strength of her scowl, the degree of osteoporosis she allows in her back, and the amount of distance she puts between her upper and lower lips.
You'd think, then, that K-Stew would be all smiles off the set. All chipper and gracious and lovely and super-psyched that she'd managed to pull one over on Meritocracy. All "I'm just as amazed at all this as you are!"
Not so much.
In interview after interview, Kristy acts like she's just woken up on the wrong side of a Goodwill donation bin after a night of mosh-pitting and chain-smoking. She acts like she can't believe someone is expecting her to, like, say actual words in response to other words about whatever piece of crap entertainment she's just been paid boatloads of money to look aloof in. Her enormous apathy about everything translates directly to her presentation. I have never once looked at this girl and thought "wow, she looks nice." Heck, I've never once looked at her and thought, "wow, she looks like she definitely showered today."
I mean, look at her at this year's Met Gala:
And here she is at this year's Coachella:
Not much of a difference between the two looks, if you ask me. Except in the grassy-knoll one, she's smiling for the first time since 2003, and that's only because her neighbor just told her a bird decorated the top of her hat. Otherwise, same messy hair, same glue-gunned attire, same dirty feet.
When she does deign to exercise her vocal chords, it's normally to take a thinly veiled pot-shot at the industry that has allowed her mini-mogul status. Something about how the hysteria over the Twilight series has ruined her life, or how the film didn't turn out how she'd envisioned it when she doodled on the script. Or -- and this is my personal favorite -- how she soon wants out of acting because she doesn't want to be a "professional liar" for the rest of her life.
Ummmm....Kissy? I know you only completed 7th grade and did the rest of your schooling via "correspondence," but I expected more of even you. We understand that when we go sit down in that big dark room, after the popcorn and soda finish dancing and we've all silenced our ringtones, that what comes next is a "movie." We get that you're just delivering lines someone else wrote for you as they concocted this thing called a story. In fact, the very reason we're in this box staring up at a football field of a screen is so that we can look at things that as 3-year-olds we liked to call "make pretend." Don't worry -- no one actually thinks Taylor Lautner can turn into a werewolf or that Robert Pattinson can jump that high or that you have the vocabulary range to talk for two hours.
That being said, I am concerned that someone has been sucking your blood. Because you're deathly pale and oxygen doesn't appear to be reaching your brain and your energy level is registering at "scary low."
Also? Anytime you want to stop with this acting business you keep telling us you're enslaved to, by all means, walk away. You've got the cash. You apparently don't have the drive. So go find some philosophy class or pottery studio to look disappointed in. We'll be fine.
To the extent you decide to stick around, do us a solid and add "having a good time" to your repertoire of forced emotions. Just twi, Kristen. Twi for us. Then twi harder.