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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

People, I'm Calling Your People

Today marks the official kick-off to the holiday season.

People Magazine announced its Sexiest Man Alive, Part 2012.

The winner is Channing Tatum, a/k/a This Guy:

Image via
Okay, so wow, People. Way to stretch the limits of creativity and trains of thought with this pick. Sexy man.....ohhhh look! There's the guy who wore a tie with no shirt underneath and some snazzy pants he could rip right off when his hips needed more room to gyrate! Let's pick him! Let's pick him! Where are my $1 bills? Let's pick him!
All right, so I'll admit it. I'll admit that when Dear John happens to be OVTN or TLC or PMS, I'll stop for a bit and watch Channing do Channing. He is the kind of man that makes you want to be the kind of woman who's waif-like and in some sort of Life Dilemma, hopefully with a douche of a dude that Channing can one-up and stare down. But he's also the kind of man who starred in The Vow this year, which is basically like Dear John Part Deux, only with Rachel McAdams playing hard to get after she miraculously comes out of a coma.  (Full disclosure: I haven't seen The Vow. Fuller disclosure: I don't need to.)
I know that People's favorite charade is to insist that they pick the guy who's "hot" because of what he's done in the past year, career-wise, and not just smoldering-look-wise. And so this year they point to all that "range" Channing demonstrated, between the Magic Mike strip teases and The Vow un-brain-freezes and the 21 Jump Street idiot cop formula-eezes. Not coincidentally, this has been the year that Hollywood Writ Large has declared The Year Channing Tatum Assumes The Mantle of The Next 'It' Guy.
Bandwagon, meet People magazine.
Channing seems like a nice enough guy and I am sure there are many ladies out there muttering things about him eating crackers in their bed and that being perfectly fine. His movies, it must be said, are generally entertaining. Also, his wife Jenna talks a lot about how he's so "spiritually open." I have no idea what that means, and she probably doesn't, either. The point is, we can all kind of assume there's some there there. He's not Ryan Lochte.
But I still cry foul, am sore from the head-scratching, and am kind of headachey from the eye-rolling. Were you not paying attention last year, People? Your people were up in arms that Bradley Cooper bested Ryan Gosling, and this year you don't even do us the solid of acknowledging your mistake BY CORRECTING IT?!?
Fine, fine, fine. The only movie Ryan Gosling was in this year was The Place Beyond The Pines, which I didn't even know about until I looked him up on IMDb. But that's because he was filming THREE movies for release in 2013, PEOPLE!!!! AND didn't you see him all over the place during the presidential campaign, in those memes about how he'd never put a woman in a binder and the PaulRyanGosling twitter handle? I mean, talk about range! A Hollywood elite being deployed in conservative schtick!
What's more, it's time for some big picture perspective. Not only does The Notebook best Dear John every day and twice on every day, but The Notebook is and forever will be the movie a gal watches when she really wants to feel insufficiently adored and totally under-appreciated. It's the movie she goes to when she wants to cry, when she wants to envy, when she wants to believe in love. That's right: believe. in. love. And it's all because of Ryan Gosling.

He can make hearts swoon, he can makes stomachs churn when he bashes in someone's skull with the heel of his boot, he can make a grown woman wish she were a plastic doll. It doesn't matter what he's doing, all that matters is that he's the one doing it.
Yet you won't give him a picture on the front of your glossy?
The only good excuse for this repeated oversight is that tomorrow you're announcing a new mantle whose working title is: Best Man in the Recent History of Hollywood and Perhaps All Professional Pursuits of the Post-Industrial Age (Second Only to Johnny Depp). And that you're honoring the title by publishing an issue composed entirely of pop-up photo spreads featuring Ryan Gosling posing, half-smiling, and holding his hands out to cup the reader's face.
I assume this is in the works.

And I assume my copy is in the mail.
It's faulty decision-making and questionable priorities such as those evidenced by the above that make a person have to move to Canada.


  1. I see this obsession with the hotness that is Ryan runs in the family, and I'm totally on board, because who doesn't love a man who hangs from a ferris wheel for love, but before you malign dear, delicious Channing's acting chops, I saw Drive. And besides, stripping is an advanced form of acting. Think of all of the different roles he was forced to play -- ALL IN ONE MOVIE.