Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls

If you're planning on visiting the state of Maine anytime soon, bring your foul weather gear, a rowboat, and some towels.  It has been raining here -- sometimes torrentially -- for more than 48 hours.  In fact, it's much like that scene in Forrest Gump where he's fighting in Vietnam and remarking on all the different types, strengths, and directions of rain he encounters during his combat tour.  Minus the rice paddies and the war paraphernalia. 

Yes, the hallmark of the past weekend was plain old wetness. I'm not even sure that "wetness" was a noun before this weekend, but it certainly is one now. The satellite imagery of our state just shows a large, unmoving green blob, with said blob representing gushing rain.  And according to the sadistic weatherman I listened to during my drive to work, the earliest we're going to see the sun in these here parts is Wednesday.  Reminder: today is Monday.

There's nothing better than having every outdoor activity condemned by Mother Nature when you have two young children and one antsy husband. 

Check that.  Everything is better than the above scenario.

Given my limited range of activity over the weekend, I took the time to jot down some of the conversations (both internal and external) we had during our forced quarantine.  Enjoy.

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ME:  Won't this be so nice?  We can spend some quality time indoors playing games, baking, being creative, and just getting back to family basics.  Plus, there are all those chores I've been trying to find time to get done, and this monsoon provides the perfect opportunity to focus on those.  This is just great.  Tupperware drawer?  Here.  I.  Come!

MYSELF: You are highly over-estimating your stamina, motivation, and imagination and dangerously under-estimating the needs of your offspring, the energy of your spouse, and the number of minutes you are about to spend inside your small house.  Good luck.  Idiot.

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ME: Who's up for chutes & ladders?!?

4-year-old daughter: I want a treat! 

ME:  It's 9 in the morning, you wouldn't eat breakfast, and we're concentrating on bonding right now.  Would you rather do a puzzle?

Daughter: I would rather eat a treat!  T-R-E-A-T!

ME: Here's a treat: your mother's undivided attention.  Now, shall we break out a new pack of finger paints?

Daughter: That's insulting.  I am not following you down that dead-end street.  My focus is undivided, my object is clear.  Give me a treat or I'll give you my fury.

ME: Hey, look!  Your princesses are talking!  They're telling me they want to play with us too!

Daughter: Not going to work, mother.  I will not be distrac -- hey!  There's the lollipop I didn't finish in February!  Right here where I left it in the dollhouse!

ME:  I said we're BONDING!  Now put down the frigging lollipop and be cute!

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ME: What would YOU like to do during your special mommy-and-me time?

8-month-old son: I would like you to watch me stick things in my mouth.  Like that knife.  Or that hammer.  Or the multiple plastic rings my sister has in her room.  Which would be more fun for you?

ME: How about we skip the choking hazards and concentrate on more wholesome diversions.  Wanna sit up and clap?

Son: I'm going to take that offer and add it to my diaper.  Try this on for size.  Put me on your bed.  You know, the elevated one with no prison bars.  Leave me there unattended.  Let's just see what happens.  I promise not to roll over....more than thrice.

ME: I'd prefer your first sky-diving expedition to include a parachute, professionals, and the urn containing my ashes.  Do you want to bang some plastic cups together?

Son:  What's....that....over...there?  Let....me.... creep....over....and....SUCCESS!  Papi's flip-flop!

ME:  Did you just....??  Was that just.....?  Did you just show the first signs of someone who is going to crawl sooner rather than later?  NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

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ME:  Time for grocery shopping!  We'll pretend we're Dora and explore for dry spots as we sprint from the car to the store.  Fun fun fun!!!

Daughter:  Can I bring my singing globe and my Barbie computer?

ME:  Sure!  Great car entertainment for the drive over!

Daughter: No.  I want to bring them in the store WITH me. 

ME:  Oh.  Okay....

Son:  And I'd prefer not to get soaked during this sure-fire disaster of an outing.  Could you rig some sort of contraption over my car seat using multiple blankets, an over-sized rain coat, and perhaps some plastic baggies?

ME:  That sounds cumbersome.  Couldn't you just --

Son:  I will not negotiate this point.  You're the one who could have sprung for an actual, waterproof cover for my car seat.  You chose not to.  This was your destiny.  Not mine.

ME:  Point taken.  I should have no problem juggling you, your 50-pound car seat covered in new layers of material, your 30-pound sister who refuses to walk, her bulky toys, and the pile of reusable bags.  I'm sure there will be open parking spots near the store entrance.  It really shouldn't be that far of a walk.  This will all go really well.

MYSELF:  I.d.i.o.t.

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ME:  Honey?  I'm kind of out of games and local errands.  Do you want to do a story-time with me?  Or take Daughter to see a movie?  Or plug that hair-dryer into the outdoor outlet, position me under the drainage spout, and play catch?

HUSBAND: What?  I can't hear you!

ME:  That's because you're working outside in the middle of Noah's Revenge and I'm shouting at you from the porch.  I know the chicken coop needs to be finished, but couldn't you just --

HUSBAND:  Speak UP!  Can't you see the geysers shooting sideways out of my ears?  Also, could you wipe off my glasses?  They're so foggy!  I haven't seen anything out of them in about 3 hours.

ME:  HOW ABOUT AFTER LUNCH YOU TAKE DAUGHTER TO THE LIBRARY?

HUSBAND:  Can't!  Have azaleas to plant! 

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ME:  Honey?  Remember that little stream or creek or sewage slurpie that runs alongside our house?  It's kind of almost overflowing.  Should we be concerned or buying sand bags?

....

ME:  Honey?  That little stream or creek or sewage slurpie is now kind of a raging river.  Should we call the Maine tourism board or its equivalent and list our yard as an attraction?  I think that's what white water river rafters look at and think "vacation!"

....

ME:  Honey?  That little stream or creek or sewage slurpie is now kind of a boiling witch's cauldron.  And...hey!  Call the cops!  Someone is white water river rafting down our yard! 

HUSBAND:  Hey, great!  I'll call the cops as soon as I make a kayak out of that birch bark I've been saving and the left over wood chips!  I've always wanted to see how it feels to have raging floodwaters underneath me.  This is my Man versus Wild moment!  I can finally understand what Bear Grylls felt like all those times he was wearing bear skin and eating poisonous mushrooms.  This is the best weekend ever!!!!!!!

ME:  I strongly disagree.