Now That

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
What can we expect for fall?

NOW THAT Jennifer Aniston is engaged, we can expect Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to wed in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, with the ceremony taking place on the Christ the Redeemer statue that overlooks the city.  Brad and Angie will each walk along one of the statue's extended arms, scramble up the side of Christ's head, and exchange rings of braided unicorn hair at the part in Christ's hair.  Their six children will watch the ceremony from hot air balloons hovering nearby.  The bride will wear blood.

NOW THAT Taylor Swift has bought a mansion in Hyannis Port, MA to be nearer to the summer-time retreat of her boyfriend, Conor Kennedy (grandson of Bobby Kennedy), we can expect her to drop a single entitled "Waaahhh, I'd Never Vote for You Because You're A Jerk."  In interview after interview, she'll explain that she penned the ditty after a "certain someone" told her that he didn't like cats OR kittens and that blondes have kind of proven to be bad luck for his family.

NOW THAT Katy Perry is dating John Mayer, we can expect John to break up with her via tweet and for Katy to then begin dating Adam Carolla.  Because she can't get enough of guys who are fringe-famous and who say stupid things.

NOW THAT Miley Cyrus has cut off her hair and plastered pictures of herself all over the Internet, we can expect Liam Hemsworth to cut off their engagement and get plastered. 

NOW THAT Chad ("Ochocinco") Johnson has found himself out of work and out of a wife after an ill-advised domestic head-butt, we can expect VH1 to launch a new show called "Screwing Up An Implausibly Good Thing, Time and Again: The Chad Johnson Story."  Given VH1's penchant for not making sense (see "Basketball Wives," starring women who are not wives and their non-husbands who are not basketball players or basketballs), the role of Chad Johnson will be played by Betty White.

NOW THAT Kristen Stewart has been caught cheating on her boyfriend and costar Robert Pattinson, we can expect her to continue her campaign of multilateral devastation by (1) publishing her haiku about why it is so hard to be her; (2) updating IMDb with a list of her upcoming projects, including her lead role in Taylor Swift's directorial debut, "Puppies"; and (3) starting a clothing line.

NOW THAT Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are dating, we can expect Demi Moore to start dating Justin Bieber and wearing clothes from Gap Kids.

NOW THAT the guy who founded Crocs was arrested for DUI after being found "drunk as crap" in his Porsche, we can expect Crocs to offer a line of slippers in bright orange and black-and-white stripes.  And a line of ankle monitor bracelets. 

NOW THAT Ryan Lochte has landed a guest role on 90210, we can expect the following storyline: Naomi decides not to move to New York because she decides not to move to New York.  So the gang celebrates with a big bash on the beach (guest starring a beach and David Hasselhoff).  The party is kind of awkward for Dixon and Adrianna, given that Dixon stood Adrianna up when they were supposed to meet to breathe heavily in a non-conversation about "making this work."  All is forgotten, though, when Liam spots a frothy circle in the ocean.  The group looks meaningfully out to sea while they debate whether what they are seeing is a wave, a champagne bottle being corked, or a man doing the butterfly.  After wasting precious time, they finally realize it is a swimmer in distress.  Naomi and Silver slip out of their shorts and race into the water to save the drowning man.  They get him to shore, make out/perform mouth-to-mouth with him a little bit, and the man starts sputtering "I wanted to do whatever it takes to help my country."  He keeps saying that same line in response to every question he gets asked, which indicates to the group that he is suffering from a coma or a bad dream.  Then someone recognizes that the man is Ryan Lochte, and everyone does a little jump/scissor-kick when they realize that means he's just fine.  (Guest starring Ryan Lochte.)

NOW THAT Nick Lachey is starring in NBC's soon-to-air reality competition "Stars Earn Stripes," we can expect Jessica Simpson to announce that she is starring in Fox's not-yet-greenlighted-but-not-canned-either sort-of show whose working title is "Land of The Brave."  Jessica gushes that the show will have her shopping for a husband who has to be a member of the Atlanta Braves.  Things get awkward when Jessica is reminded that she is engaged and that the song ends with "land of the free, home of the brave."  There is no improvement when Jessica offers up that she will take the land for free and is happy to live in a home with the bravest guy from the Atlanta Braves.