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Friday, June 29, 2012

Dear Abby: Color Me Pretty

As we've established, I have a very strong nose for fashion, and a real eye for color.  Because of my undeniable knack in each of these departments, a reader has come to me for advice on this summer's color choices.

Wait, that's wrong.  (Sorry, I get some of my writing direction from CNN.) 

What we've actually established -- or rather, what I have established by directly telling you -- is that I am a hopeless fashion wreck.  I am Anne Hathaway's Andy in the Devil Wears Prada -- the duckling-before-the-swan Andy.  If I shop, I shop at the Gap because it feels safe and if I buy something, it's black because hopefully it will disguise me (camo is too loud and too busy).

Nevertheless, a reader -- one who knows me better than almost anyone -- has come to me for my thoughts on this summer's color schemes.  Particularly, the summer line-up for nail polish hues. 

What, she wants to know, do I think are the good summer colors for our fingers and toes?

Well, I'm going to put on my Sarah Palin hat and speak with authority I absolutely do not deserve on a subject I am wholly unqualified to opine on.  Because I, too, owe it to America.

Without further adieu, here are my picks for summer:

1.  Always the Bridesmaid:  this is the color of a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food Frozen Yogurt, as diluted by mascara-streaked tears.

2.  Melanoma: a bright, flaming red substance that is painful to apply and blisters before it peels off a few days later.

3.  Sand in My Sandwich: imagine the white-beige color of tuna fish meat, sprinkled with gristle.

4.  Man The Grill: because every season needs its dark colors, this is summer's version of charcoal.  The only downside is that it takes forever to apply and never looks as good as you want it to.

5.  I'm Gonna Club Him: this is a vivid green, as a nod to both the golf course where your significant other spends all his free time, and the envy you have for grass that is apparently more entertaining and stimulating than your wit and loveliness.

6.  Bloodlust: a rusty red, for when the envy gets violent.

7.  Does This Chlorine Make My Eyes Red?:  in something of a surprise move, this option is not a veiny red, but is rather a foggy white to represent the swimmer's view of the world after emerging from 6.33 hours playing Marco Polo in the pool.

8.  Don't Look There:  a neon pink that sparkles and blinks so that all attention remains fixed on the wearer's fingers and/or toes, and never diverts to any of the "trouble spots" she didn't get around to tackling during the 3 seasons she is not encouraged to walk around half-naked in front of strangers.

9.  I Don't Feel So Good:  a putrid green-brown, because sometimes the boat ride is on waves that are a bit too choppy, and sometimes it's not a good idea to do 7 rides on the Gravitron after a dinner of corn dogs and funnel cake.

10.  The Wheels on The Bus: special edition for mothers of school-age children, this is a mustard yellow lined with black to remind those mothers that, someday soon, a rectangle on wheels will stop at the house to take the children away for 6-8 hours a day, five days a week.  (Competing titles for this shade were "Don't Lose the Faith" and "Light at The End of The Tunnel.")

Submit your idea or suggestion for a "Dear Abby" post by emailing me at All the other intricate details of this something-for-everyone are explained here.

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