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Friday, January 4, 2013

Now That: The Resurrection

It has been a while since my last Now That post, and I figured 2013 deserved a resurrection.

Enter the resurrection.

Mayans, Mayans, you were wrong;
Knew you would be, all along.
A new year's dawned, fresh and bright,
What Hollywood news is in sight?

Now that Bethenny Frankel has announced her separation from her castmate husband, Jason Hoppy, we'll all learn that divorces can, in fact, be branded. Just wait until a new Skinnygirl cocktail featuring bitters is released, and get ready for Bethenny's Naturally, A Pre-Nuptial self-help book. All indications are that her second "work of fiction" will be about a reality television star turned talk-show host who has her shotgun wedding taped before a live studio audience, spends the next 2.5 years tweeting about what a successful businesswoman/amazing mother she is, and ends up in a divorce that shocks no one who has ever heard of reality television before.

Now that George Lucas, creator of Star Wars, is engaged, there are dozens of women roaming the planet with disheveled cinnamon-buns-around-the-ears hairdos learning what it's like to have your dreams shattered.

Now that Emmy Rossum has been quoted as saying that producers initially thought she was "too glamours" and "pretty" for the role she ultimately snagged on the television show Shameless, those same producers are confirming they came up with the show's title when they heard about Emmy's opinion of herself.

Now that Adam Lambert has taken to Twitter to diss the cast of Les Miserables for "pretending to be singers," we are all left to wonder which part he auditioned for and did not get.

Now that Katie Holmes' Broadway show has been canceled after a significantly abbreviated run, we'll all remember she got her start on Dawson's Creek, and we'll nod our heads knowingly.

Now that the Arab television network Al Jazeera has purchased Current TV, started by former U.S. Vice President Al Gore, Mr. Gore can expect to have a much harder time clearing security at airports across the country.

Now that Rihanna and Chris Brown have posted photos on Instagram to prove that they spent New Year's Eve together (largely in bed), we can only pray that a mutual friend explains that the superstition is to say "rabbit, rabbit" not to fall back into a "bad habit, bad habit."

Now that a paparazzo has died after trying to take pictures of police pulling over a Ferrari-driving Justin Bieber, we will share some head-shaking moments in which we ponder: that kid is old enough to DRIVE?!?

Now that trailers for Killing Lincoln are being released, we can all thank Hollywood for finally, FINALLY giving our sixteenth President some well-deserved, and long overdue, screen time. I mean, seriously, what does a guy need to do to get featured in a movie every now and then?

Now that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have announced that they are expecting their first child together, Prince William and Kate Middleton can breathe a sigh of relief. There's finally a couple out there that they can point to and whisper, "Dude, they need to chill."

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