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Friday, February 15, 2013

Pay Attention, Hallmark

You survived yesterday. You scrambled to buy the flowers, you wracked your brain for a creative way to represent love, you holed up in your apartment and watched a Real Housewives marathon. However you survived the day, the point is, it's over.

Except not quite. Because Hallmark? You need to take the next 364 days to improve your product line.

The options for Valentine's Day cards are not good options. Too many feature a bear holding a heart with a thought bubble that reads "Will You Be Mine?". Come on, Hallmark. The only time a bear holds a heart is when the heart used to be pumping inside the chest of the misguided camper lying beside the hungry beast. Also, bears don't issue requests, they just take what they want.

There are similar defects in cards featuring a single rose (signal: I'm too cheap to buy the actual rose), a long poem (signal: I'm too dull to craft a poem of my own), or a unicorn (signal: I'm under the impression you believe in fake things, like my sentiments).

I'm petitioning for cards that fit the reality of life. Here are some of my early drafts. Let me know which ones you like best. We can then move on to a discussion of royalties.


Dear Husband: Today when you ask me where you put your shoes when you took them off your feet in your closet, I will answer with a smile on my face. (Look down.)


I might not say I love you every day, but it's only because I'm too tired and that's such a long sentence.


We've been together for years,
I nursed you back from knee surgery,
 and your family likes me.
I accept that you still don't want to get engaged.
I understand you have a fear of commitment.
I do, too.
I fear the institutional care
 I'm going to require the next time you wonder out loud
Why we should "rush things," or
Jeopardize this "good thing" we've got going.
Despite that fear, I'm still here. I guess
I love you that much.
It's really starting to piss me off.
Happy Valentine's Day!

For Daughter

You don't understand what the word "love" means. Let me help you. Last night, you wet the bed. The one I was sleeping in. This morning, I made you breakfast. Love.


The prince-princess construct Disney has duped you into believing is going to yield wild disappointments as early as next year. Happy Valentine's Day!

For Son

You are already mine in the eyes of nature, the State, and the public school system. I don't think a card is required to further cement our connection. Mom.


Today, people will offer you items of clothing labeled "heartbreaker." Please don't be the type to understand that term as a compliment.

For Godchild

Jesus loves you.

For Boss

I would love it if you would give me the day off and dramatically alter what you conceive as my job responsiblities.

For Grandparents

Are you available to babysit?

For Friend

I love those pants. I do not love that you fit into them, and I do not.


Because I care about you and believe in guilt by association, you should know that people talk about your Instagrammed meal photos behind your back.


You had my heart at "God, she is so annoying, isn't she?"

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1 comment:

  1. i like this post. you continue to come up with new creative ideas and they're always enjoyable. especially 'for daughter' part one.