In years past, I watched the telecast in a state of half-awe, half-confusion. The musical mish-mashing usually impressed me and I thought seeing performers actually perform, rather than just receive blunt objects for someone else's mantelpiece, was refreshing. I never understood 99% of the clothing choices and never recognized a good 33-66% of the attendees.
Grammys 2013, though, left me more confused, less awestruck. My mental loop was just a string of question marks. Maybe this is just a sign of old age. Maybe it's a sign I was largely house-bound for three days thanks to the 30+ inches of snow we received over the weekend.
Either way, here are some of my questions. Perhaps you have some of the answers.
1. Are the Grammys an awards show or a concert? During the 3.5 hour telecast, only 10 awards were presented. Statistically, someone who can do math could figure out that a gold-plated gramophone was delivered only once every ___ minutes. I'm not that someone. Point is, identify yourself, Grammys.
2. Of the 10 awards they do present, aren't like 6 of them for the same thing? The year's best Album, Song and Record are "each" independently recognized. So are the best performances in all the genres. Someone has probably explained the difference between these categories to me before, but I forgot. Because my brain refuses to accept that there is a difference. And now poor Fun. is left to wonder how their song "We Are Young" could have been so award-worthy, but their performance of that song so, well, not. (That confusion may be the one thing I have in common with the group.)
3. Was Taylor Swift told pre-show that she'd have to sing in addition to act out a trippy version of Alice in Wonderland? While the costumes and choreography for her opening number seemed very thought-out, the singing part of her song seemed much...less so. The only stanza she seemed to really put some breath into was the speaking part where she apologized for being busy, Mr. Nasty Ex-Boyfriend, but she was in the middle of opening the Grammys.
Image via BusinessInsider.com
4. On a scale of 1 to 10, how pissed do we think Bruno Mars is that Justin Timberlake stole his "retro" look, complete with finger snaps and Instagram filter?
Justin Timberlake, Grammys 2013 (via hollywoodreporter.com)
Bruno Mars, Grammys 2012 (via entertainment.time.com)
5. Where was Jay-Z's butler hiding? Did you notice that Mr. Z either had a flute of champagne (see below) or a crystal goblet of amber liquor in his hand every time the camera panned to him (which was every minute ending in an odd number)? Man, I hope he had cash on hand to pay someone to drive him and Mrs. Z home.
Image via dailymail.co.uk
6. With all the emoting that Rihanna did during her performance of "Stay," how is it possible that Battleship didn't do better at the box office?
Image via daydreamstars.blogspot.com
7. Why is it called "Best New Artist" if the winners themselves keep talking about how old they are and how long they've been around (which is more than a decade)?
If these men are new to music, then I am new to the tax base. Image via spinner.com.
8. Portia de Rossi. Does she smile? And why didn't she want to take off her coat? Is that the question Ellen is asking in this picture?
Image via eonline.com
9. Was Frank Ocean's performance a joke? Did he really write a song about Forrest Gump? Was that a sweat band? This is the guy who Chris Brown claims beat him up?
Image via eonline.com
10. Prince?
Are you there, Prince?
If you are there, at least you're prepared to encounter things like the floor, the lights, and
circulating air.
Image via ontheredcarpet.com
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