Away In A Mansion

Away in a mansion,
With a bedazzled crib for her bed,
The little baby Simpson,
Laid down her enormous head.

The eyes on the websites,
Cringed at the news,
That little mini mogul,
Must've left quite a bruise.

Move over, Jesus.  A baby whose anticipated birth may have eclipsed your own has finally been born. 

That's right, people.  On Tuesday, Jessica Simpson finally gave birth to a line of shoes for Macy's daughter.  Then the nation breathed a sigh of relief and the Guinness Book of World Records raced to the presses.

Poor J. Simps just survived the longest, most obvious pregnancy in the history of mankind.  Or at least people.com.  For crying out loud, her pregnancy was longer than:

• Her sister Ashlee's singing career;
• Her "good Christian girl" phase; and
• Her time spent receiving a formal education.

People have theories.  Some believe the baby realized Jessica is not fit to care for a newborn, so the baby just waited until it became a kindergartner and then skipped out of the womb.  Others believe Jessica didn't recognize the signs of labor and got caught up in the fun of heavy breathing while she tried to blow up a balloon.  I personally think she was the innocent victim of a Benjamin Button scenario, in which she was impregnated with a grown person and she had to wait for it to shrink to a size suitable for birthing.

I'm not here to judge.  Whatever your belief system, the bottom line is we all end up at the same place.  The baby is born.  And if that alone doesn't make you find religion, then you, my friend, are what I like to refer to as a loser.

There were two things that made this pregnancy feel like it took up so many calendar days (other than the fact that it actually did).  The first was Jessica's appearance.  The second was Jessica's mouth.

Let's just call a spade a spade.  Jessica looked like a spade.  Her mid-section was huge, and only her feet and her head were somewhat tinier. 

Now everyone hold on a hot minute.  Pregnant women should not be judged for their shape.  Pregnancy takes ahold of your body and then expands it to a degree you never thought possible.  I was in no way shape or form a pregnant lady in any shape or with any form.  I considered pregnancy jeans a cruel challenge and anything with any cinching at the waist a form of self-flagellation.  I would never remark in any demeaning or derogatory way on the physique of a pregnant woman.

Until I saw Jessica Simpson.

This girl looked 9 months pregnant right around the time she noticed the first pangs of morning sickness.  Her attempt to keep her pregnancy under wraps ('member how she made a big deal of holding out so she could sell the story to the top bidder?) was the most hilarious thing I've seen since Bridesmaids.  Jessica!  Honey!  I can see your baby waving at me through your shirt.  Give up the act!

She had a baby shower in March.  At that baby shower, she said she felt like she was ready to pop.  Which might explain why everyone at the shower came dressed in a hospital gown and brought warm towels.  It looked like she actually might pop out all over the 25 pairs of shoes she was gifted for the baby that day.  AND THAT WAS ALMOST TWO MONTHS BEFORE SHE ACTUALLY HAD THE BABY.  We should find the name of her ob/gyn and put it on billboards across our country's highways.  No one should trust a man or woman who would let his or her patient carry something inside of them that Wal-Marts everywhere looked at and said "Holy shit!  That thing is H-U-G-E!"

While your eyes tried to compose themselves, your ears took a beating.  Because Jessy Jess let some of the craziest shit fly out of her mouth during these past 251 months of pregnancy.  That's saying a lot for the girl who made herself famous with a request for clarification on chicken-or-tuna.  She made over-sharing seem junior varsity, and made TMI wonder if WTMI (WAY TMI) sounded too much like a radio station.  Hell, I will send her this just to give her ideas of other things to talk about.  I'd so much rather hear about how her daughter was saying "Dukes of Hazzard" at 3 months than hearing about Jessica's sexual urges during the second trimester.

Jessica's dad, Joe, really put the whole thing in perspective.  As he always does.  He said the birth of his grand-daughter was a miracle.  Indeed, Joe.  Indeed.  It's a miracle that baby didn't have to send a ransom note for its own life after having been seemingly kidnapped inside the womb.  It's a miracle that baby turned out to be a baby and not a waiter at a Mexican restaurant that Jessica confused for guacamole.  It's a miracle that baby didn't exit the birth canal, throw its swaddle on the ground like a football, and yell into the camera "Boooooyaaaaahhh, Nick and Vanessa!  We.  Win!" 

It's a miracle that baby hasn't held a press conference yet. 

There are already too many Simpsons talking.