Bit 'o This, Bit 'o That

Last week, my first post for HelloGiggles was published. I hope you read it and enjoyed it. If you didn't already read it, go do so now. Don't forget to enjoy it while you read it.

If you were paying attention, you know that it came out a week later than advertised. Here's why.

I submitted a few ideas for a series to HelloGiggles. One of them was a continuation of the Now That post I did here. My sample for them continued in the snarky, jokey vein that predominates this blog and certainly the idea behind Now That.

Well, that was the sample they picked, and that was the series they wanted me to run with. And so I drafted up another post for them to run a couple weeks ago, sticking with my charming mix of ridiculous/kind of mean/get over yourself Hollywood humor.

Of the ten jokes in the draft I submitted, HG was only comfortable with 3. The other 7 had to be reworked to "take the snark out."

At first, I didn't think I would be able to do it. My snark runneth over. I wasn't sure I could contain it or direct it with careful precision. I felt like I was Monet being asked to paint without a paintbrush.

Yes, yes indeed. I = Monet, my blog posts = San Giorgio Maggiore at Dusk. This is a very apt comparison.

Moving on.

After getting some counseling from my husband, sisters, and friends, I decided to keep trying and to strike the balance the HG editors were looking for. I guess it worked, because the 7 bits I revised were included in the post they ran last week. We'll see if I can make it work again this week. I'm not promising anything.

The sad thing, for me, is that I still like the 7 that HG scratched. If only I had some other place to share them with the world....

Oh, hello blog! It's me! Abby Monet.

So here, my lucky, loyal blog readers, are the 7 amazing pieces of now-dated news that I turned into jokes that would never see the light of day were it not for your wonderful eyes.

Hope you enjoy.

• Now that manuscripts have been uncovered linking Jesus to a Mrs. Jesus, we can expect Kim Kardashian to tweet that she has yet one more thing in common with the water-into-wine guy: relationships they’d rather everyone forget about.   
• Now that Eva Longoria is dating Mark Sanchez, we can expect Ms. Longoria to start dressing in nothing but white, green and pigskin and for Mr. Sanchez to explore his options with the Mexican Football League.  He will be sorely disappointed when he learns that Mexican Football is Mexican fútbol and is played with feet, not hands.  (Kind of like American soccer.)
• Now that Amanda Bynes has insisted that she is “doing amazing,” we can expect Honey Boo Boo to moderate a press junket in three European languages, Miley Cyrus to write a self-help book on how to stay grounded in Hollywood, and Dina Lohan to appear on Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab to proudly announce that she’s “9,453 days stone-cold sober.”
• Now that Lindsay Lohan has been arrested for a hit-and-run in New York City, we can expect her to blame the entire thing on the fender of her car, which has been jealous of her success forever and is totally out to get her.  She will insist that she was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.  To wit: behind the wheel of the car (known to many as “driving”) and clipping pedestrians without stopping to check if she killed or maimed anyone.  Because the club was about to close!  GawwwwdddddddD!
• Now that Shakira has announced that she is pregnant, we can expect her to give birth to an adorable hula hoop, which she will name Ganó Aceptación.  Roughly translated?  Cross-Over Appeal.
• Now that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been not-so-secretly rendez-vous’ing, we can expect them to be kind of stand-offish about their stardom, begrudge the fact of their fame, and act churlish when asked any question by any person in any setting.  So everything will be back to normal and we can stop spending our nights at candlelight vigils around a stack of the Twilight books.
• Now that your computer is turned on and you’re hungry but can’t decide what to eat, we can expect for you to read or hear or see Mindy Kaling remind you that, apropos of nothing, she’s got a new show about to air on Fox.  Called The Mindy Project.  Created and co-produced by Mindy.  Starring Mindy.  Mindy. Kaling. Mindy Kaling.