I also heard that there was some football game airing at the same time, and something about a baseball game grazed my consciousness. But I don't think any of those sporting events really distracted me, the rest of the American electorate, or the presidential candidates. We were all glued in to the riveting, highly-illuminating verbal smackdown between the Republican Guy and the Democrat Guy.
In case you were at church or flying back from Justin Timberlake's wedding in Italy, here's what you missed from the debate.
Mitt Romney opened with an early lead. His flag pin was bigger, he had more product in his hair, and his Pleasant Smile was in rare form.
His lead didn't last long.
Obama had a plan hidden up his sleeve. The Marshall Plan. During his first drive, he conjured images of riding piggy-back as Brandon Marshall caught a 7-yard touchdown pass. Just like that, the Marshall plan allowed for a 7-point differential.
As his victory dance, Obama referred to Romney's comment that Russia was the United States' "number 1 geopolitical foe" with the following line:
"The 1980s called, they want their foreign policy back."
Ba-ZING! It's like the guy knows the real moderator of the debate is the Twitterverse. Thank you, POTUS! That one's a beaut! Slightly modifying for irony and subtle counter-references and....sending! #thankyou!
Romney wasn't scared off one bit. He's been on the brink of elimination before, and the man has proven he knows how to stage a comeback. He'd clinched before, and he was throwing some of his best stuff to clinch again. "I CAIN do it, I CAIN do it," you could hear him thinking to himself.
So Romney just started agreeing with everything Obama has done, is thinking about doing, or has ever said about foreign policy. Sometimes he just said it louder, sometimes he just said it more. For example, Romney reiterated that he really, REALLY loves Israel, that he really REALLY thinks America should take a leadership role in the world, and really REALLY thinks terrorists are a threat we should not invite to birthday parties. He said it all while ignoring that a single strand of his hair had defied the physics of his MegaFirm gel and was slowly creeping down his forehead.
It was as if he were part of a demoralizing 5-run 3rd inning, complete with a double that looked like it shouldn't be a double but was a double because the ball was hit twice by a bat that broke on contact.
Obama's defense was primed, though. "This is my field, baby! You don't come on MY field and tell me how to Command-in-Chief!" And so in the face of a man many have accused of being robotic and without humanity - a Megatron, you might say - Obama went all Charles Tillman and allowed no room for separation.
To wit: Romney barked about our navy being the smallest it's been since 1916. How did our Prez tackle that one? He wrapped his arms around Romney's waist, dragged him to the turf, and shouted "We also have fewer horses and bayonets!" in Romney's grimacing face.
And there was much rejoicing, as Twitter made room on the mantelpiece for a big 'ol bayonet next to Big Bird and the Binders.
Romney tried to turn the tides, and so he leveled Obama with a hit to the ribs that was meant to take him out of the game. "We're four years closer to a nuclear Iran!" he bleeted. Obama looked kind of dazed and Bob Schieffer offered to let Michelle come up and answer a few questions while Obama got his breath. But the President hung tight and, after a few deep inhales, returned to action. It wasn't quite the same Obama as the Obama that showed up in the first half, but it was still a serviceable Obama.
(Some have since questioned the fairness of Romney's remark, calling it at least a bit "SUHspicious" since technically, we're 4 years closer to everything that hasn't happened yet, what with the normal workings of the passage of time and all. But Obama has calmly noted that debating is a tough sport, and you've just got to shake those things off and keep going for your team.)
When Romney saw Obama wasn't down for the count, he knew it was time to reach for his nail-in-the-coffin. And so he stepped up to the plate, looked out at the empty bases, and he swung for the fences.
He started talking about the economy. The domestic economy. Even though it was a debate on foreign policy.
But he wanted to hit at the economy. So he did. And he cemented his come-back with a solo home run as the game came to a close.
Finally, after 90 minutes of essentially agreeing with each other on everything except the parts where Romney was misremembering things or Obama was skidding away from engaging on the domestic economy, time was called. The two sides shook hands, the ref kind of stood there awkwardly, and then the fans took the field. Obama head-bumped Michelle, and Romney was lifted onto the shoulders of his wife, many sons, and dozens of grandchildren bizarrely in attendance.
Then someone reported that the Bears had won and that the Giants had blown out the Cardinals, and everyone was like, "Oh yeah! There were some games on television tonight, too."
And out of that mist of bayonets, bears, and blow-outs, someone thought they'd seen 6-6-6. The devil was summoned, and he tapped the shoulder of Ann Coulter. She heeded the call, and took to Twitter.
A Monday night threesome: the debate, the football, and the baseball.
Brilliant. I. Love. It.
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