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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

An App for That

BREAKING NEWS: Today, Apple is "announcing" the iPhone 5 at an event in San Francisco.

Behold the wonder:

This is a picture of the iPhone 5.  Don't stare at it directly.  Your eyes and your heart will start leaking fluids.
Don't ask me how I know this.  Don't ask who my sources are.  Let's just say it's all very dark-night, parking-garage, orange-glow of a single lit cigarette.  Let's also just say I'm a medium with a direct connection to Steve Jobs (God gets a lousy signal).

So it's obviously a really huge day.  So huge that I can't believe it's not a national holiday or something.  Like, why aren't we all at home sitting around a tree decorated with our old iPhones and iPhone accessories, giving thanks for what the iPhone brings to our lives and wearing costumes made entirely of black turtlenecks?

And if it's not a national holiday, on a day like today will Obama and Romney suspend their political campaigns to camp out at the nearest Apple store?  To get their grubby hands on the latest and greatest installment, and to talk about how their forefathers toiled so that one day, their descendants could communicate via sleek portable mini-computer?  Kind of how McCain and Obama suspended their campaigns in '08 when the economy was about to spontaneously combust and Congress had to write trillion-dollar checks over the weekend?  Only with the iPhone 5 release being obviously cooler and more important?

And if it's not a national holiday or a campaign holiday, on a day like today will the echo-chambers between the ears of Hollywood starlets be set to mute?  Because today is the day that technology owns the headlines, and not haircuts or jewelry heists or hasty weddings?

Nay, nay, nay.  (For my German readers: Nein! Nein! Nein!)  We're all at work (or feeling down-in-the-dumps about not having a workplace to be at).  The campaign panders on.  The X Factor premieres tonight.

It's as if no one cares about the iPhone 5.  As if no one has considered what a cultural tectonic shift is brewing.  Our minds are about to be BLOWN and all we're doing is surreptitiously reading blog posts in our cubicles and dreaming up Britney-Demi drinking games in our heads.

I'm excited enough for all of you.  Actually, my emotional meter is clocked somewhere between "psyched" and "stoked."  Because I know Steve Jobs, and I know that he listens to me every night when I dial him up.  So I know that the iPhone 5 is about to be the answer to all my problems and challenges.  I know that soon, the following applications (we call them "apps" in the biz) will be at my fingertips:

  • An app that straightens my hair while I brush my teeth.
  • An app that can reach into the crevices of my daughter's car seat to vacuum up the Starbucks petite vanilla bean scone she forgot about in February and the Pirate's Booty patina that covers that seat like a soft blanket.
  • An app that prepares a child-friendly dinner, a husband-friendly dinner, and a waistline-friendly dinner.  Every night.
  • An app that acts as a scale, and knows how much that scale needs to lie to me every morning, factoring in conditions such as mood, temperature, clean laundry, and potential run-ins later in the day.
  • An app that filters every stupid comment I formulate in my brain and erects a road-block somewhere around the back of my throat to keep that little sucker from escaping out of my mouth.
  • An app that downloads every piece of news information I would like to understand and deposits it in whatever lobe has the available storage space.
  • An app that prints truly exceptional unmarked, non-traceable, counterfeit money.
  • An app that keeps Paris Hilton wherever she has disappeared to.
  • An app that sends birthday cards, thank-you notes, and spreads holiday cheer, with adorable yet casually-posed photos of my smiling children included.
  • An app that makes customer service personnel reliable, airport delays negligible, and traffic jams avoidable.
It's a brave new world, a brand new day, and we're being given one moment in time!  Happy Birth Day, iPhone 5!  We love you, baby!  But I love you the most.

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