Pretty quiet little Monday for everyone, right?
Hahahahahaha! NOT! Psych! It's opposites day! I'm rubber, you're glue, I'm stuck in the 1980s, now you are too!
We all know the eastern seaboard is being subjected to a full frontal assault from Mother Nature and Father Cable News. Based on what I'm now hearing, I'm going to die an early death unless I (a) evacuate to Canada; or (b) raid my Mormon neighbors' "secret" Judgment Day food supply.
I say phooey. I know my little house, built in 1894 (give or take a telephone switchboard), will withstand whatever wind, rain and storm surge Sandy wants to throw at it. I mean, just yesterday my husband cleaned ALL the leaves out of our gutters. We're set!
So I've been spending my time day-dreaming about Halloween costumes. Because when you have young children, Halloween oozes its way into every orifice of your consciousness. We could be facing a nuclear winter, and still the most pressing thing in my world would be making sure I don't lose the mounds of plastic crap my daughter is accumulating during dozens of sugar-fueled parties for people who are still scared of anything resembling "the dark."
Suffice it to say, Halloween's at the forefront of my addled brain these days. And when Sandy loosens her grip on the throat of your existence, you will be gobsmacked when you look at the calendar and realize "Oh sweet heavens, tomorrow is Wednesday, and I don't have a single piece of highly-flammable polyester in my house! Whatever shall I drape myself in tomorrow night?!?"
Never fear, dear reader. As you huddle up with a bottle of tequila and a flashlight, using the last 1% of your battery life to read these words, take comfort in the pleasure of preparedness I'm about to bestow upon you.
Here, in all their glory, are my top ideas for Costumes of Halloween 2012:
- Justin Timberlake. Not just any JT. A before-and-after JT. One half of your body should be JT pre-wedding. This part should be wearing some hip attire, a big smile, and a scantily-clad woman dangling off the shoulder. The other half of your body should be JT post-wedding. This part should be wearing a sweater vest, a grimace, and a Jessica Biel peering over the shoulder. Also, this part's fingers should be crossed behind this part's back.
- A head-scratcher. For this costume, you'll need to dress up like an old, white man with a Bible sticking out of one back pocket and money sticking out of the other. You will also need to carry a blow horn, because you will spend the entire night yelling as loudly as possible that women's reproductive systems are vessels of God's will, such that women must birth the fruit of a man's loins, regardless of whether those loins were forced upon her, without her invitation and against her will. (For those that tire of proclaiming God's will relatively quickly, just make a button that says "The manner of conception don't matter, 'cause really it's God who had her.")
- Big Bird. Might as well get it in now. Those costumes might not be available next year.
- A cleaning service. For this, go dressed as any member of the San Francisco Giants, and carry a broom.
- If you're looking to keep it traditional, go with:
- Ann Coulter (a witch)
- Sean Payton ( a ghost)
- Chris Christie (a pumpkin)
- Lance Armstrong (a devil)
- And of course no list would be complete without Hurricane Sandy. To get this look, you need a stale perm, acrylic nails, and a pack of Pall Malls. Then you need to attend a party you weren't invited to, WAY overstay your (non-)welcome, and do everything in your power to ruin everyone else's fun. Then send the host a bill for $5 billion.