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Monday, October 15, 2012

Womp, Womp, Woommmpppp

So remember that HelloGiggles gig you inspired and I was all excited about? No? Read this.

And remember how I told you that they gave me some push-back for being "too snarky," and I had to figure out how to live in a brain with no snark? Not ringing bells here, either? Go here.

Well, turns out that I'm not going to be able to thread that needle. Turns out I can't decode what is "too snarky" and what is simply lovingly sarcastic. Also turns out HelloGiggles editors are friends with enough people that I'd otherwise want to be writing about that it just became too uncomfortable.

The good news is that HelloGiggles isn't entirely bothered by me yet, and has given me a chance to try to pitch new "series" ideas to them. I've just pitched one that I, personally, am pretty excited about and that I think is a much better needle-threader. Fingers crossed it will work out, and of course you will be the first to know if it does!

And that post that I wrote last week and that never got published on Friday? Well, now it's below, in all its glory. Hail to The Snark!

P.S. HelloGiggles only had issues with certain of these prompts. As a fun parlor game this evening, gather up some friends and try to guess which ones were the offenders!
  • Now this: Paparazzi have snapped a picture of Jennifer Aniston's engagement ring. So we can expect that somewhere, a list has been narrowed down to “Big Foot,” “Donald Trump’s Real Hair” and “Kristen Stewart’s smile.”
  • Now this: Guy Ritchie is engaged to his pregnant girlfriend, model Jacqui Ainsley. So we can expect that his camp will leak a pre-nuptial agreement including terms that forbid Jacqui from speaking in an accent other than her native one, restrict any weight lifting equipment or yoga mats from entering their home, and insist that she never, ever, under any circumstances bedazzle outerwear with the insignia "Mrs. Ritchie."
  • Now this: Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are separating after 30 years of marriage. So we can expect that Rhea will be spotted buying the highest pair of heels Jimmy Choo will sell her.
  • Now this: A very skinny Sarah Palin has announced that she is writing a fitness book. So we can expect that lots of readers will demand their money back when they open the book to find chapters on “Stretching The Truth,” “Don’t Sweat The Facts,” “Exercise Your Imagination” and “Wag Your Tongue, Point Your Finger.”
  • Now this: Lena Dunham, creatress of the HBO hit Girls, has signed a $3.5 million dollar book deal. So we can expect that the acknowledgements page will simply be a list of all the Starbucks that allowed Ms. Dunham unlimited Wi-Fi access and ignored the fact that she was writing in the nude.
  • Now this: Gangnam Style singer Psy has announced that his next single will be in English. So we can expect that Macarena singers Los del Río are somewhere in the middle of Mexico performing at a quinceñera and mumbling to each other, as the birthday girl pauses the party to find her lost retainer, that Psy should take it easy, enjoy the ride while it lasts, and not get ahead of himself.
  • Now this: During the first presidential debate, Mitt Romney stated that one way he'd reduce the national debt would be to cut government funding of PBS. So we can expect that Big Bird will be the first muppet to headline a Super PAC, which he will call Flock to Freedom and whose funds he will deposit directly into Sasha and Malia Obama’s allowances.
  • Now this: Gene Simmons' daughter made it through a round of auditions on The X Factor. So we can expect that her therapy bill this week will be especially steep, as she will have to explore her disappointment at “having to work at it like everyone else” since her father refuses to make her famous the old-fashioned way: by getting her a television show or giving her the lead in his remake of Cats.
  • Now this: Beyonce has dropped out of Clint Eastwood's A Star Is Born, leaving Mr. Eastwood without a leading actor or actress for the film. So we can expect that Mr. Eastwood will tell his crew to carry on with the production schedule, seeing as they've got plenty of chairs sitting around that will do just fine in the roles.


  1. Don't these editors know that snarky is the new sarcastic?

  2. These are awesome! Big bummer HG has gone the safer route.

    I got the "Too snarky" comment from the editors at my place of part-time employment too. High five.