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Friday, December 14, 2012

Thanks, Mayans

Don't look now, but they are quickly joining the ranks of Einstein and putting a man on the moon. It's all the rage in short-hand references to express how utterly flabbergasted or utterly superior you are.

"They're out of my favorite coffee. Thanks, Mayans."

"Bieber murder-for-hire plot foiled. Nice try, Mayans."

"Hangover 3? Hope you're right, Mayans."

Using "Mayans" in a sentence is the lazy-but-slightly-creative person's way of taking his or her ability to be ironic or satirical to the next level. Twitter is offering PhDs in this art.

The ancient Mayas, a people indigenous to Mexico and Central America, invented one of the first calendars - a calendar that is renowned still today for its accuracy. Word has it that trusty little calendar ends on December 21, 2012. Which could indicate fatigue on the part of the Mayans, or the end of the world as we know it.

Pretty exciting, huh?

A papal astronomer has issued assurances that the world is not going to end next'll just "rip apart" billions of years from now. So sleep tight. Hopefully that news will be of some comfort to the people of Russia, who have been so ridden with doomsday panic that its "minister of emergency situations" was forced to issue a statement, trumpeting his "access to methods of monitoring what is occurring on the planet Earth" and assuring his citizenry that the world was not on death's doorstep.

So that's awesome. If the Vatican and Russia say it's not going to happen, it's not going to happen. Probably. I mean, if a duo with direct lines to God on the one hand and the KGB on the other agree here, I like our chances.

Back to the hyperbole, friends!

Has something artificially tragic occurred in a circumstance that affects you in only the most mundane of ways? Give a shout out to the Mayans!

Is there some crisis - manufactured or otherwise - that has been averted? Tell the Mayans to go pound sand.

Need a way to express how distasteful or dismal or disappointing some future event is bound to be? Feign groveling at the feet of a Mayan.

This really isn't that hard to do, Einstein. I mean, if we can put a man on the moon, surely we can figure out a way to beat the Mayan punchline to death.

Image of what I presume to be a Mayan calendar via


  1. if i knew then what i know now

    1. ps - you just pounded the mayans into the sand!